There you can hear it. Time has flown. Believe or not i might possibly be turning 21, So the post below with all the I's are things i should have half fulfilled. Sorry to break it to you, but i don't think i have changed much over the past few years pretty much the same.
But instead of rants, i think i might just turn this blog around and make it positive as much as possible.
So last weekend i went on a YFC camp. I must say i was never a fan of god/Jesus. I always thought that it was a silly cult, where people praise this one man, who believes to have performed many miracles. I ask my self why do people preach to him so much? why would people start crying when they sing songs about this man?. He was so BC years ago, people who are living today have not even seen him in person so how can you put so much faith, love and trust in this non existing person.
I was brought up in a catholic school, i was taught a lot about god. I was told stories and miracles that happened and that were performed. Recently in the past year or so i have only started to gain interest in this religion. I started to attend church functions, events, masses. I must say as a so called beginner i've seen some stuff that are pretty confronting but yet in a way i feel quiet comfortable with. So the camp YFC i went to last weekend, was about finding yourself with Jesus. Getting to know more of your own relationship with jesus and god. The content of the retreat was pretty much the same as the last retreat i attended last year but just not as intense.
The most silly thing was that i went to the retreat with a pretty negative attitude. 1st of all, my best friend going to be there! That's the whole retreat fun gone. 2nd of all. without best friend i have no guide as to what to do.
So started off with bed arrangements when i arrived with a few other friends. There was this policy where all the girls stayed in one room and the boy's all stayed in one room. but definition of one room of girls was more like 19 girls crammed in a small room. That itself i was liking also the fact that my bed was near the door. Way to start off the camp with me and my crappy attitude and now the bedroom thing.
Then we had group activities. They ask questions like, who is jesus to you?, how do you see jesus as? when has he helped you/ felt his presence?. Questions like this to me is something i just can't answer. Not trying to use excuses or anything, but i don't really believe in miracles. so therefore i don't believe in jesus being there to protect us. One of the members was telling us a story how her house nearly burnt down, but she said she felt gods presence when she had the courage to put out the fire. Using the knowledge i payed for, the first thing that comes to my mind is ' the reason you had the courage to put out the fire was because of your negative feedback response "fight or flight"situation' How on earth can jesus have anything to do with this?. But then i guess everyone see things in a different way. So then it came to my turn, i had no idea as to how i was going to respond to this. It's not because i don't believe in him, i do but just not in a way where i think he can perform something where i could be saved or helped.
Yet that discussion made me uncomfortable, and uneasy.
Was then later into the camp where i started to change my point of view. Did you know music is a really good way to speak to people? a really good way to express something?.
We ended up doing quiet a lot of praising during the last 2 days of camp. At first i didn't like it, but it slowly got to me. The lyrics are so meaningful, and the tune itself is nice.
3 days of quietness with no television or supposedly no internet (i couldn't resist i went on facebook) but coming home i felt very content. pretty much emotionless. not much laughter, 1 probs because i was tired. I had this song stuck in my head - hero by Erique iglesias and To the end of the earth by hillsong (mainly this song) i've been singing this song for 3 days straight, and i'm not sick of it. My heart and head has been so quiet that i didn't really notice it until i watched a movie on tuesday night. After watching the movie i can feel the old me coming back my brain was getting worked up all again. BUt this was something i wanted to change. I didn't really like the person i used to be. I wasn't really a considerate person, i didn't really think before i talked. i guess i would have hurted a lot of people. and that bad mouth of mine needs a lot of soap to wash it clean. The first thing i did was play To the ends of the earth on my ipod, and there i was back in my place. i was more calm. i think positive, i wasn't so angry at the things i was before.
I guess at camp somethings just happen to you without you knowing but in a good way. With such a beautiful nature background spending 3 days away from the city is very head clearing. It gives you a lot of time to think, a lot of time to make friendship but most of all get to know yourself more and to think about all the bad habits that might be hurting the people around you.
I think i can live like that for a while... i do hope i keep up what i am doing now and don't give up.
Oh and to say i think i might just have started to fall in love with jesus? i know i was against all this, i'm pretty much eating up my words now. it's hard to describe but when i listen to the songs my heart just beats a little bit more faster . . ..
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